I Love Him
by hugitout
Summary: The truth was that I was scared, because I loved him.  I knew it wasn't normal to have more feelings behind friendship.   First story ever on here!  Will be Kames later on, reviews are welcome!  Rated T because I am paranoid!
1. Chapter 1

_Um so this is my first story! So any reviews critiques or compliments would be awesome!_

_Disclaimer: I guess I have to put one of these, so I don't own Big Time Rush!_

The truth was that I was scared, because I loved him. I knew it wasn't normal to notice the way your best friend curled his perfect hair behind his ear. I knew it wasn't normal to hurt when he kissed a girl, or to wish many times, he was kissing me. I knew it wasn't normal to have more feelings behind friendship. While others conversed with him without much thought, each word he spoke was simply intoxicating to me.

It was serious physical pain, to see everyday go by and know he would never be mine.

Everyday while we were recording in the studio or hanging at the Palm woods, I acted. I acted like everything was okay, like I wasn't hurting, but when he met Jo that was the final straw.

I didn't cry when I broke my arm. Not a tear fell when my parents got divorced. When my dog died, I didn't cry. That night, after he met Jo I sobbed. I cried for what could never be.

6 weeks passed. 6 whole weeks of utter misery. We rehearsed, we learned new songs, I met girls, I was never interested but appearances had to be kept and secrets had to remain secret.

One day I woke up and I was alone. Logan had left for the pool and he took Carlos with him. Katie and Mrs. Knight had gone down to the grove to do some shopping and were going to be all day. Kendall and I were all alone. I walked out into the kitchen area to find Kendall swirling his a spoon in a full bowl of cereal, as if he was uninterested in the food.

"So are you going to eat some or is soggy cereal like part of the new Kendall Knight diet?"

"Oh funny. This coming from the guy who tried a rotten banana and avocado face mask?"

"Hey, this perfected skin takes a lot of work! I for one am just waiting to meet one of the many woodland creatures living in those famed Knight eyebrows."

I got him to laugh at that one. Then he got a look on his face, one that I haven't seen too many times before.

"James. We should uh, we should talk."

I think I might write another chapter, but depends on the muse I guess...


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks so much for everyone who reviewed, your comments made me smile :)_

"You betcha Kendall I'll help. Absolutely nothing wrong with shaving your eyebrows off. I bet Mama Knight will let you borrow some kind of eye pencil too."

"Oh come on be real James."

"Oh, I see, Katie tried out her new nail polish on you. What you can't get it off again?"

I went to the refrigerator to look for anything edible. Finally settling on a brown looking banana. I moved to sit across the table from Kendall, preparing for what was coming.

"You've haven't said anything nice to me in weeks! We don't hang out anymore and sometimes, you won't even look me in the eye! Come on James please talk to me! What did I do wrong?"

The look on his face made me want to seep into the floor like sand. He looked so incredibly hurt, making me feel like I had kicked a puppy. An incredibly cute puppy. Of course I couldn't say anything, he could never know.

"Why is it you think everything is about you! That's so typical Kendall. Just because Gustavo picked you to come to LA your better than I am. No matter what I do or how well I do it I'm never as good as you. Guess what Kendall? I hate you."

I left the banana behind me and ran into the room I shared with Logan. I sank down on my bed, tears were brimming. No. No. No. I was an awful person, I didn't deserve knowing such a kind person like Kendall. Oh god, I shouldn't even be here. I should be at home in Minnesota living an ordinary life. James Diamond didn't deserve anything extraordinary.

Kendall never gave up on anything. I wasn't surprised to see him storming in demanding more answers.

"Don't do this James! Tell me what's wrong and II'll try and fix it."

With that I started crying. After all I was doing to him he still cared about me. When the most I deserved from him was a punch and a plane ticket.

"Just go away Kendall, please just leave me alone."

He just sat down next to me and waited. Very gently he moved his hand underneath my chin and tilted my face up.

"I can't do that. I could never leave you. Jamie, talk to me please."

At the sound of the nickname I threw my arms around his neck and sobbed. I felt him jump slightly, but then he hugged me back, I melted into his embrace. We stayed like that for a few minutes then I felt his hands move to make small circles on my back, it felt nice.

"Kenny, Kenny I'm so sorry. I've done something that I know I shouldn't have done."

He didn't respond. Instead Kendall lied down on my bed and pulled me down on top of him and pulled my head on to his chest. I could feel him combing his hand through my hair, he just held me like that for an hour it seemed.

"Shh Jamie it's okay. Jamie please listen to me everything is going to be alright, were going to be alright."

Lying there with Kendall made me feel complete. I could have died happy right then and there. Because I loved him. I got up in the morning for Kendall. I spent countless hours on my appearance for Kendall. I sung for Kendall. I breathed for Kendall.

Then something happened I didn't count on. I felt tears fall on my hair and soon Kendall was the one sobbing.

"I hurt you Jamie, I'll never forgive myself for that. There is something I'm not telling you, something I don't want you to be mad at."

As Kendall moved to sit up so did I, he grabbed my hand in the process and held it like his life depended on it.

"Oh god Jamie I'm such a coward. I thought other people's opinion about me mattered. I thought I had to be perfect. Remember when my dad left Jamie? You were the one that made me feel better, you made me feel like I was worth something. You made me want to enjoy my life again! Oh god I realize I'm so stupid! I made my life so much more complicated than it had to be. I love Logan and Carlos Jamie but not like I love you. Jamie, I'm in love with you."

I wanted to throw my arms around him and proclaim my love, but I just couldn't move. With 5 words he managed to take all the pain away. He loved me. He was in love with me.

"Jamie, will you forgive me? I've been so blind, thinking I couldn't be with you because of what people thought. You make me so happy Jamie. I realize now why I was so confused before, because I had all these feelings for you that I was unsure how to deal with. When I figured everything out I realized that I don't care about anyone else but you Jamie."

_Well there you go. Review? _


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